Wednesday, November 16, 2005

You Are Pissed, So Am I!

Now what is it that annoys me most? Someone dissing me off or dismissing a comment or view and not giving me a reason for it. You know, this happens especially when debating an issue with a colleague, friend, boss or even for that matter a parent. You have said something and you get this brush off like "you are talking rubbish" or "No! I don't accept that" or " You don't know what you are talking about" or "Doesn't work"!....

You then get this funny feeling that the tone used especailly attempts to emphasie a superiority over you. Like as if what you may have to say is subordinate to the stand taken by the other and because of the superiority you are stopped from countering with a retort.

Then of course you have the patronising kind of attitude that you get. Now whats that you might wonder. Wel, you know the kind where the other person offers a support for your position or stand even before you ask for it!...Well, a worse situation arises when he or she behaves offensively condescendingly towards you. Like he or she is trying to so obviously show that they have to "come down" to your "inferior level" to equalise a situation that might be stalking you or what ever.

What ever it is, dismissing, dissing, patronising or condescending are all very subtle ways of making you feel small and in gratitude to the opposition and yet there is a show of feigned friendship disguised to put you in a subordinated place and yet outwardly you are supposed to be equals or there is concensus in the debate. Except that the concensus is more about conceding to his or her position. And you are supposed to be happy about the whole episode.

Hey, I have been there. Except that maybe it is our culture that stops us from recognising what is happening. But we do concede to our leaders, our bosses, our parents, our elders. We do concede to even our equals, but to the other guy or gal who assumes the superior position, it is just because he or she assumes a given position. I used to hate it when this Singaporean "friend" used to try tell me about professional stuff that I had a qualification for whereas he had none and knew nothing of the law that applied to the situation. Despite me telling him, he tells me I was talking nonsense....that is probably because he had so many things stacked in his head against my credentials. I was firstly Malaysian, then I was Indian, then I was only a teacher. Whereas he was Singaporean, A Chinese and he was in the Corporate world. Therefore, anything to do with companies and the corporate world he must surely be right and I wrong. Lost in the argument at that point, my final appeal was, "o.k. don't believe me, contact any of your friends in Singapore who has the requsite qualifications and also doing the appropriate work to confirm your position before you act". He calls me back 20 minutes or so later to apologise.

Of course I am assuming a number of things there. It is not racist or anything, after all we had been friends for almost 40 years at that point. The point is that patronising ways, and dismissing someone's position without being able to articulate a justification has always been a convenient way to come out tops in a conflict situation. Of course if the other party is still not too happy about it, what may result could be violence or in more respectable society a suit.

Another one that has often been used against me, especially whan I am unhappy with the source of the problem or situation is "you are being emotional"! That immediately rubbishees your displeasure, your arguments and your position. Especially in business, they say that decision making should not involve any emotion. Now, what really constitutes emotion anyway? What is worse is we all know that passion gets more done at work than skill and knowledge. Yet, when its trasgressed, there is often an emotional response. And then you get that "emotion" used against you and you feel so dissed! Its a non-winner.

But honesly, I would want to harness emotion, especially at the work place. Its presence simply means that passion is also present. After all you would not be at the job if you did not have skill and knowledge in the first place.

I just cannot understand why for a long time emotion has been seen to be a bad thing in decision making or for that matter in the march forward through life. But now of course we got such stuff as Emotional Quotient and such. Ihave always thought that emotion is a good thing. In problematic situations especialy I have found emotion squeezing out solutions that in the first instance was not apparent.

And then of course you got all those communal situations, like for instance if you belong to a society or NGO or what ever cause it might be, you often hear of some leaders in there talking about loyalty, team spiritedness, supporting one another and so on to move forward an agenda. Personally, I think all these words are such bull shit employed to contain your mind and actions and behaviour. I know that I am not a team player and I don't expect my colleagues to be team players too. But I expect that we all have a common cause and goals that we will aspire to attain

Ah anyway, so much for letting go some of those things that get me pissed off easily...Maybe now that I got it down here, I might get rid of all this that I have inside me .....We'll see...

12 Comments:

At November 21, 2005 at 4:59 AM, Blogger yumilicious said...

Hey there, just wanted to let you know that i loved reading ur thoughts on emotion and the dynamics of sharing one's opinions - so true and it's been too long since i've heard someone support emotions! :)

 
At December 23, 2005 at 11:52 AM, Blogger s_i_c_it said...

Hi Old Fart, I read your comment regarding Saudara Muhamada Abdullah's burial. It was fair to say the family deserves some compensation for attending to him when he was bed-ridden. However, pardon me if I misinterpreted your intentions, but the way you put it insinuated that the same authorities that claimed "ownership" over his body should pay for his care... That comment is uncalled for, and just goes to show how shallow you know the issue at hand.

If you are interested in knowing, all Muslims have responsibility over their dead fellow Muslims. Responsibilty which is bestowed upon by no other but Allah the Almighty. If the late Saudara Muhamad Abdullah had needed financial assistance during his confinement, there are several Islamic bodies which offer such aid. But he chose to remain silent about financial aid as well as his religious status. The fault (if any) is his, not the authorities'. Therefore, if your comment was targeted at mocking the authorities concerned, I think you didn't do enough research, or worse still, being an armchair critic...

Do get me wrong... I am neither picking a fight nor interested in stiring a hornet's nest. I take it upon myself (a Muslim convert!) to educate those who seem to be lacking in the understanding of Islam.

I hope I interpreted your intentions wrongly, and I apologize if I did. Had I been right, (and only you can vouch for yourself) then I urge that you keep your comments on issues which you are familiar with.

Thank you.

Ariff Abdullah

 
At December 23, 2005 at 11:52 AM, Blogger s_i_c_it said...

Hi Old Fart, I read your comment regarding Saudara Muhamada Abdullah's burial. It was fair to say the family deserves some compensation for attending to him when he was bed-ridden. However, pardon me if I misinterpreted your intentions, but the way you put it insinuated that the same authorities that claimed "ownership" over his body should pay for his care... That comment is uncalled for, and just goes to show how shallow you know the issue at hand.

If you are interested in knowing, all Muslims have responsibility over their dead fellow Muslims. Responsibilty which is bestowed upon by no other but Allah the Almighty. If the late Saudara Muhamad Abdullah had needed financial assistance during his confinement, there are several Islamic bodies which offer such aid. But he chose to remain silent about financial aid as well as his religious status. The fault (if any) is his, not the authorities'. Therefore, if your comment was targeted at mocking the authorities concerned, I think you didn't do enough research, or worse still, being an armchair critic...

Do get me wrong... I am neither picking a fight nor interested in stiring a hornet's nest. I take it upon myself (a Muslim convert!) to educate those who seem to be lacking in the understanding of Islam.

I hope I interpreted your intentions wrongly, and I apologize if I did. Had I been right, (and only you can vouch for yourself) then I urge that you keep your comments on issues which you are familiar with.

Thank you.

Ariff Abdullah

 
At December 23, 2005 at 11:55 AM, Blogger s_i_c_it said...

sorry for this error:
(second last para)

Don'T get me wrong... I am neither picking a fight nor interested in stiring a hornet's nest. I take it upon myself (a Muslim convert!) to educate those who seem to be lacking in the understanding of Islam.

 
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At December 27, 2005 at 11:57 AM, Blogger Old Fart said...

s.i.c it

Thanks for your comments. You said "all Muslims have responsibility over their dead fellow Muslims. Responsibilty which is bestowed upon by no other but Allah the Almighty"

Fine. Hence you see the motivation and prerogative I presume over the deceased.

In that you seem to presume that I too or for that matter non-muslims too are subject to those responsibilities of the muslims and that we must accept that the Muslims' responsibilities as required of them by their faith over-rides any wish, prerogatives, or responsibilities that the rest of us have for members of our family.

Unless you wish to say that once a convert to Islam that convert disassociates with his family altogether until ofcourse the family too follow him in his new faith.

If this be so, then for the family institution which I believe is a far older institution and a far more sacred institution then any religion, to retain its relevance, we should all recognise that any act that causes the unity of a family to be put to jeapordy, then before such an act can be actioned, the family be notified of the actions and the consequences thereof.

But this is rarely ever done. Conversions to Islam in many instances in Malaysia especially happen under so much secrecy. A son goes through the conversion to get married to his Muslim girl-friend and confronts his parents after the fact. Same happens to many daughters too. The pain that it leaves behind somehow does not seem to matter.

What is worse is when that prior to these people converting they somehow never seem to realise the consequences of their actions on their own family who presumably they still love. There is so much deception and hiding away from the truth that happens. The so called "authorities" who carry out the conversions too can easily have requested for any kind of certificate or confirmation that family have been notified..I am not even asking here that if there were objections...and nothing like that happens. Somehow it does not seem to matter that the conversion breaks the heart of a close relative or a family.

If indeed conversion to Islam is such an important event, why keep it such a secret and allow that fools play to go on for so long? Is there not first of all a responsibility here to the onverts immediate family? If this is something you cannot seem to see or even know, I cannot understand on what grounds you hold the responsibility invoked over a thousand years ago on what is claimed to be something from God or Allah. If you cannot even uphold your responsibilites here on earth on people who really matter how is it possible to even say that you are doing anything requested of you by Allah? unless of course you are blinded by your faith in which case of course there is a contradiction between your actions and what surely must be your creator's intentions.

 
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At January 23, 2006 at 11:27 AM, Blogger novin said...

Welcome back to blog world ?

Its nice reading someone innger thoughts of this world....Quite refreshing for me ,usualy for myself it will be "serious" blogs to read. This was some how "nicer" .......

Keep on writing :)


Would love to know u in person

Do hit me at novinthen@gmail.com

Sincerely,
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At May 2, 2006 at 10:33 AM, Blogger AJEET said...

I first read your comments in RPKs and decided to check this old fart out. So you are a teacher huh? Well what do you know I am one too. Either something happened that got you so worked out about this patronising and condecending thing or you have been thinking of what to write and decided to touch on this matter. Anyway I find it interesting and I think it is because of how things were when we grew up.
Remember 'children should be seen not heard'? Well we grew up in that environment. Even our teachers (talking about us)demanded the same from us in classes. Some would grow up being meek and weak, not able to speak out and not wanting to offend when others are acting damn downright condescending, while others who detested such treatment believe that they will not take it anymore and speak out. As for the condescenders, (if there is such a term for it)they becaome hat way by emulating others.
The problem is how we are raised tends to mould us,'The child is father of the man'.
Now don't get me wrong, I am not trying to be a condescender trying to teach others, but this is how I see it. Maybe it could also the 'trying to be clever genes' I don't know, but that is just the way it is. Of course in your position I would put up a good fight and I hope you would too. Had god wanted the world to be fair then Mahathir's mother would have had a fall while conceiving him and spare the country.
I do believe that with a little bit of skill one could give the condescender a condescending smile rendering the condescender cendescended.
Anyway I have just mark your blog so will be visiting. Take it easy since you say you are an old fart. I am going to hit the half century mark soon myself.

 
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At May 7, 2006 at 2:22 PM, Blogger AJEET said...

Are you done getting pissed? I have seen your comments around but have yet to see a new posting yet here. Hey I like your writings and would like to see what else you have to dish out.

 
At September 17, 2006 at 12:47 PM, Blogger desiderata said...

oldfart:

This is MY THIRD VISIT by accident, realise I was the only consistent after now Commenter -- 3rd comment after your 3 Posts. Do I get Loyalty points?

Hey, I agree with the gernerral points and tone of this article. But today -- Sept 17, 2006 -- it's almost ONE year old after this Post!

When is the sext -- 4th, coming; OR art thou going after the MIA ABetterMalaysia?:(

Cheers, nevertheless, make sure you come back before 50th birdae, 4Negaraku!

 

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